if this doesn't inspire you, i don't know what will.
thank you might girl art.
if this doesn't inspire you, i don't know what will.
thank you might girl art.
i realized something the other day, in ballet class.
i should probably start by mentioning that i haven't taken a ballet class in years. probably not since i was twenty. and now i'm fourty. so it's been quite a while.
it was loads of fun and the reason i was doing it is because i've been sort of missing dance class lately and also i can't take yoga because i recently had a sinus surgery and i can't go upside down (yet), so i thought ballet instead. perfect opportunity.
anyhow, i realized that the balances are still difficult. rising up on one's toes does not come easy. but more than that i realized that balancing won't just happen on its own, i have to participate in making it happen. i have to not only try, but will it to happen. expect it to. be what i want with every ounce of my imagination.
i think i used to believe that eventually, those balances (and spins) would just magically take place. on their own, somehow. that if i went to enough classes and enough time went by, voila. perfect turns.
i think i felt that way about cello too. that playing in tune would just happen, eventually. i'm still, years later (six, to be exact), struggling through simple scales (as do most people attempting a string instrument who practice as little as i do), trying to understand how to shift my hand into the right position without hitting a sharp or flat note. i realized today that you really have to not only practice doing that but you have to be present. you have to be aware in a very deep and present sense.
you can not let your mind wander off elsewhere, you have to pay attention to what you're doing. really pay attention.
yes, you have to work on the fundamentals. yes you have to practice. yes you have to build up strength. but you also have to be very much in charge of what you're attempting to do. you have to have resolve. no one else is going to do it for you. it isn't going to magically happen on its own. it doesn't happen if you're thinking about what you're going to make for dinner or those pretty snowflake earrings you saw online. you have to be in the moment. you have to be here now making it happen with every single bit of who you are.
nothing to do with that or maybe everything to do with it, just look at these bird nests. aren't they lovely? i'm smitten.
we've gotten so into hair-dos lately. i've fallen in love with the "braids" search page on pinterest. so many pretty things there.
this is a reminder to myself to stay focused
a reminder to complete the things i have started
unless, of course, i no longer want to work on them
(it's okay to decide a project is no longer worth working on
if it isn't)
but then i need to remind myself to let go
this is a reminder to let go of some things
and stay on course
a reminder to breathe
and to keep my shoulders down
and my head held high
a reminder to stay balanced
a reminder to write in the morning
to clear my old thoughts
and allow room for new ones
this is a reminder to open the windows
and let the fresh air in
a reminder to stand in the sun when it's out and let it soak into my skin
+ to take my vitamin d
as i don't live where the uva rays can provide it
this is a reminder to not get lost
to keep things simple
to be present
+ stay grounded
to make my own choices
in this one adventurous life i have
+ to eat lots more carrots
like perhaps today
dying to make this recipe here // blood orange sorbet. mmmm.
sometimes it's little, unexpected things about my day that make it so amazing, like blow-drying my son's extra long hair that he refuses to cut, while he holds our mini macaw, who also gets a blow dry + decides to flip backward suddenly on griff's finger, a move that makes griffin giggle like mad. and life slows down suddenly and there is nothing more important than this moment with the blow drying of hair + feathers and the listening to that laughter. it's the most precious moment of the whole day. i want to put it in my pocket and hold onto it forever.
spring soulodge registration is open. i just wanted to share that. i am a big soulodge fan, having signed up for 3 sessions at this point, i think. i started my love of e-courses with susannah conway's unravelling, (a tremendous experience - highly recommend it) and ended up at soulodge via squam and i keep finding myself re-registering into soulodge every season. it keeps me awake. offers me ways of continuing to dive deeper and look more closely and also just to be present + more aware + conscious. check it out.
randomly, i have finished the purl bee cowl. do you hear the band playing just for me? it is celebrating another project completed (i think my husband may have hired that band). the cowl is soft and pretty and i am very happy.
i am intent on finishing things this year. i am tidying up the wip's lying around the house + deciding what's worth finishing + what's not. and getting rid of what's not. every completed project gives me a small surge of adrenaline. it's like secretly getting a gold star or having a band play just for you. a small audience cheering + shouting "yay!!!".
i have a million excuses for not finishing things. every one of them perfectly just. they are brilliant, plausible excuses. they are. but i am tired of them. i am tired of making them. i am not going to play that game any more. i don't know what deeply buried fear or pattern or habit is preventing me from finishing projects and keeping them piled about the house. i don't know what is inspiring me to waste precious moments coming up with excuses that don't really amount to anything, because, let's face it. we all know an excuse when we see one, even if we pretend to accept it and say "oh yes, i totally get it. that makes complete sense why that nearly finished blanket has been sitting in the corner for five years, gathering dust", all the while knowing it's malarky.
but i am choosing to let go of that and push through whatever it is and complete things.
and i finished that cowl. so there.
my next project in line for finishing is a set of woodland sprites that's been sitting around for a couple of years. embarrassing, but true. i started them two years ago for the school's silent auction and never completed them and they sat in a bag for two years.
well, i am happy to say that they are nearly done. this year's auction is march 10th and i have only to complete their little woodland hats and finish their faces and they will be off to the auction. bliss. band blowing horns. gold stars pasted all over my forehead. big gooey smile on my face.
for a while there, i needed to step away from the computer.
i think i just needed to step into my life a bit. really be present for my family and their needs without a screen in front of my face.
my children had been making comments. screen comments that involved me + that screen. the one i don't allow them to use very often. waldorf family that we are and all.
and they were right. i was planted in front of that screen fairly often.
i was loving the computer and it's endless possibilities a bit too much, perhaps. and then suddenly, my brain just needed a large break.
breaks are good.
i couldn't remember why i started blogging. i forgot. i wondered if it had any meaning. and so i paused with the blog writing and started scribbling on paper instead and i haven't stopped doing that. that's become a must for me. scribbling. on paper. downloading the things in my head that need to be scribbled and looked at by me only, so i could see what it is that my heart is really searching for and who i really am, what questions i have + what answers.
it's nice to check in.
i write in inexpensive spiral bound notebooks, so i don't get too precious about it, and i circle the things that seem to repeat themselves or that jump out at me for whatever reason, and i fold down the pages with the quotes i've copied that i love.
and i shred the rest.
i actually love that part. shredding those old thoughts and things of the past. letting go.
+ i love collecting the quotes that really resonate with me and making plans to embroider them on the latest thing i'm embroidering. i pencil them down on fabric. i hunt down just the right font, lover of font that i am, and trace it onto the fabric, hoping to duplicate it at least somewhat with thread.
but now i know exactly why i started blogging again. and i'll tell you.
it was that section in tif fussel's book that i got recently, that i love, where she talks about her own blogging experience and how it changed her perspective about daily life and helped her to see it in a different light + i thought oh my goodness yes. that's it. that's exactly it. that is what blogging does for me too. and photographing things. it changes my perspective about things. it helps me capture and remember + be present for moments in my life in a different way. it helps me see my life differently.
different meaning good.
for example, i am not an early riser sort of person. i do not have that gene. i just don't. i accept that about myself. some people i know can go out drinking until the wee hours of the night and they will still get up at five all bright and sun shiney, and clear their inbox and have breakfast made and clean the kitchen before the kids even get up.
that's just not who i am and i embrace that wholeheartedly and commend them on being the advanced human that they are who can do such impossible things.
i have never gotten over the fact that when i had children i had to shift my schedule to adjust to the hours they like to rise (and they are early risers) and as they've grown older to the hours they need to get to school or to that rehearsal or field trip or lesson on time, fed, lunches made, all that. all early.
i am cranky in the morning. i would never last long working on a farm or in a bakery, much as i find the idea romantic.
partly because i would love to just sleep in until 7:30 and not 6 and also, probably because i love that quiet time at night so much, that time when the kids are asleep and the chores are either done or can be ignored and the phone stops ringing and i can just listen to the stillness and be creative and write or knit or spin yarn or paint or whatever without anyone interrupting me. i love that. i love it so much that i often get to bed far later than i should considering i have to get up at the crack of dawn to launch into the usual routine. and then i don't get enough sleep. and etc...
now when my daughter and her beautiful sun-shiney friend come giggling into my room with cokatiels on their head at the crack of dawn after a very late night watching the mahler symphony, what do i do? do i scold them and pull the covers over my head, hoping to disappear back into that dream i was having, getting all ticked off that i can't??
amazingly, i feel a sudden, rare, impossible surge of adrenaline, RACE for my iphone and launch out of bed saying, "wait right there!" and "just a little to the left!" and start snapping away and instagramming and i suddenly i am filled with bliss. bliss. at not quite 7 in the morning. after going to bed after midnight! me. the cranky one. and i am ready to make those girls anything their hungry hearts desire. i am offering pancake-making and scrambled eggs and smiling as they bounce out of the room, chirping cockatiels in tow.
and then i look back at that photo later, several times, in fact, and i glow, thinking of that lovely, beautiful morning moment that i captured and appreciated and was truly present for. and i am happy. truly happy. whereas prior to blogging (which inspired + then drove me with some sort of incessant longing to the random capturing of daily life), i would have looked at that whole thing in a much more grumpy light. just the whole being woken up early after a late night thing. i would have completely missed the sweet giggly girls and the birds on both their heads and just all of the goodness of it.
but i didn't miss it.
and i'm so glad i didn't miss it. i am so, so glad.
thank you tif + dottie angel, for pointing that out about blogging in your lovely book. because i had completely forgot. and now i remember. and i am very happy to be back.
it is a new year. it is well into the new year. it is the end of january.
i never made any resolutions, not really. usually, i do. i make a list. i plot. and i definitely have things i plan to do like finish projects and really spend time doing the things i love to do, but for me, mostly, from here on out it is a path of developing awareness and presence appreciating the moments in life that are so worth appreciating. all of them. fleeting, though they are. i plan to really look at them and be there in them from here on out. you hear that, moments? i am here.
i have discovered things about myself. strange things. different things, like, i absolutely love letters and fonts. i mean, i knew that, but i didn't really know that.
i know that now.
i think secretly in another lifetime i was a typographer. i'm not kidding. i own more than one book about calligraphy and i plot out tattoos that i plan to get based on the latest fonts i fall in love with. and words i fall in love with too. i buy books about bubble writing and about graffiti lettering and about all kinds of other types of lettering. i collect letterpress letters and have them piled in bowls and on shelves spelling out various things. i noticed all this the other day.
did anyone else notice this?
i think what really made me aware of it, to be honest, i mean really aware that my heart actually throbs and gets excited about font, of all things, was reading about type camp in uppercase magazine. type camp! there's a whole layout in that magazine about the many fabulous retreats that exist, that we should be aware of, such as squam, which i've been to and is for-sure life-changing, and the makerie + the teahouse and ace camp, ace camp! which i fantasize about.
but type camp.
now why in the world would i get all sing-songy about that? i have no idea. and to be honest, i don't know that i'd really want to go - i might just want to sit on my computer and spend way too much time scouting out typography blogs and cursing the prices of the many drool-worthy fonts that are out there, waiting to be used and wondering what i can do with those fonts if i ever get my hands on them.
or maybe i will go after all. to type camp. hmmm.
but anyway, secretly, in another life, a typographer. i'm certain. i'm positive. isn't that a fun thing to discover at almost 40?
in other news griffin and i abandoned all plans of cooking with absolutely no qualms whatsoever and walked to sweet rose for an ice cream sundae dinner. it was just us, after all, and we needed a walk. and we needed an ice cream, too.
i have signed up for a painting class. it's good because it forces me to paint for three hours a week and that's something i haven't done in a long time and something i've been kind of wanting to do for a long time and it forces me to take time for myself and i'm just wondering where it will take me.
i'm exploring. i'm an explorer.
it's not quite the same community i fell in love with at squam. it's not really a long enough time to paint, three hours. i think i need a day. but it's something.
breathing into the tight spaces
listening to something else
having an opposite day
or at least an opposite meal
with my kids
breaking the mold
playing with colors
we have this new friend in the house. his name is pepper. he is amazing.